i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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