Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
