i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
