We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
