omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
