Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
