There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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