So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
