In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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