u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
