I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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