This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
