She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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