Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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