what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
