My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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