You just made me feel so damn special
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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