Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
