one might say we're banned from that church
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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