I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm gonna fight the coyote
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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