Sponge bath it is.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
