My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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