i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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