I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
