Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
