the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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