you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
