I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize