never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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