You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just want to make out with him forever
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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