His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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