Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
