I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
