i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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