I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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