she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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