Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
