Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
