1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
