Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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