we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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