The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
