Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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