is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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