Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
sarcasm needs its own font
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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