also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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