you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
