She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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