I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
