i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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