just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
he thought i was a dude.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
