When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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