I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize