Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
