she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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