I heard we made out
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
