I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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