"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
