How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
