goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
