just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
