I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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