I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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