then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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