I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
