So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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