my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
