I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
