good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
