peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
