god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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