there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize